Trying to Save Myself

My three day weekend starts today, so in the spirit of adventure (and because I have absolutely nothing to do for New Years and I don’t want to be stuck sitting around) I’m going to pack a bag and get in my car and start driving. This will be good for me. No idea where I’ll end up, but I cannot sit in this apartment any longer.

Today was a good day. Well, good comparatively. The majority of my work day I spend alone working on my own tasks, left alone with my thoughts and that’s where I always get in trouble. I’ll make sure to take my mp3 player tomorrow because 3 hours of trying to think about anything but you (and failing I might add) gets old quickly. I would be able to move on, I really would, if there were something to move on to. But, when I got home from work I actually picked up my apartment some, did some dishes, and went out to get food and some books. Improvement. I even talked to my friend, and while I tried to her about my feeling in a very nonchalant way, she just looked at me and said “I know you’re hurting” and that was the end of it. For some reason, her letting me know that she knew I was hurting, and that it was perfectly okay, made me okay with it. So tonight my mindset was one of “yes, you’re lonely but you’ve been lonely before and you survived” and “yes it hurts, so let it hurt and start moving on with your life”. I realized today that just because you are aware that there is a difference between existing and living doesn’t mean you are living. Being alive is an action, a choice you have to make every day. Do I come home and lie in my bed and wait for the day to end so I can get up and do it all over again? Or do I get my ass up and go out and do something that makes me happy, like going to a bookstore or just sitting on a bench watching people walk by so you can be certain you’re not the only person on the planet after all. It’s a difficult choice to make, and you can’t just make it once. You have to make it over and over again, day after day. But I’m trying to remember to always, always, choose living. I want to be someone known for living vibrantly even while broken.

So, it seems as if I’ve fallen into another bout of ‘clinical depression’. I figure writing about it might help some, so it’s worth a shot right? I mean, it’s not like I’m doing anything else. And I know that is exactly part of the problem, I don’t do anything. If I didn’t work full-time, I would probably never leave my bed. Which isn’t even a bed. I have a wonderfully comfortable queen size bed that I can’t bear to sleep in because it feels so empty when I sleep in it alone. He used to share it with me, but he’s gone now and rolling over in the middle of the night to a vast expanse of emptiness next to me is enough to give me nightmares and nights of fitful sleep. So instead, I sleep on my futon/couch combo. Lately, I’ve been getting home from work around 6:30; I walk in, drop all my crap at the front door, climb onto my makeshift futon bed and lay there until I fall asleep around midnight. What a waste of human existence. Every day I tell myself “Today will be the day you go home and clean your apartment and actually make dinner” and it never happens. Every night I get home and say “Well done, you survived today, and for that you get to do whatever you want tonight…which is nothing”. I just have to do force myself to be productive; I know I’ll feel better once I start getting everything cleaned up and done, but I just can’t convince myself to get started. And I need to make friends and meet people. I have one friend nearby, and I just haven’t been able to answer her phone calls or return her texts. I’m not even sure why. I just really don’t want to talk to her. Maybe because she can see through my bull-shit and she’ll want me to talk about my feelings and all that crap, and I just can’t right now. There are a lot of things I can’t do right now. It seems like anything besides breathe and go to work fall in the ‘I can’t right now’ category. But things won’t change until I start changing them. I feel like things would be so much easier if I didn’t walk around with this lonliness consuming me from the inside. It’s a poison that has leaked into bloodstream and spread through my entire body. It numbs my heart (but not my head, that would be too convenient) and makes me sluggish. I can’t live like this, and yet I can’t make myself do anything about it.